tHE lIFE oF a sELF-cONFESSED nUTCASE

Friday, July 07, 2006
7:25 PM

hey, it's me.

i came online today with the intention of changing my blog from blogspot to livejournal. getting kinda bored with blogspot. but then, i'm still in love with my current layout and i'm just too lazy/busy to go about and do up a whole new blog. besides, i'm a sentimental freak. i can't just throw something away, expecially since i've been blogging here since sec 4.

huh...since sec 4 and i only have this many entries...guess that goes to show that i'm an erratic blogger. hehhe...just like the real me.

so anyway, i have a new obsession now!

yep yep, veronica mars, welcome to nadz's life!

i've been hearing about it for some time now, especially around the fanfiction community, but didn't really get a chance to know what it was about until channel 5 (i'm gonna save my ranting about them for some other day when i'm really really mad and not so hungry)started showing them after joan of arcadia. i watched it and by the second episode, i'm already a WeeVer.

i love that about new shows, you know. you are given the oppurtunity to browse through the characters and decide who you want to ship. and when you find that perfect ship, it just hits you and it feels so right. sounds like falling in love, doesn't it? and in a way, it is about falling in love, cos you invest so much into these two characters that you start to own them in the way that only a fangirl can.

i've been watching CSI for ages now, and i only found my ship this year. (i'm a proud snickers) canon ships are usually the best, cos you get to actually see your ship in the show, but sometimes, it's the uncanon ships that appeal to you. like Weever. so totally uncanon. haiz...i can't help it if i have a soft spot for bad boys with bikes. *winks* hehhee....

so anyway, my pizza's done, if a bit burnt. and now i've gotta go to eat.

'ta!

Annoy tiny blonde one. Annoy like the wind! - Logan Echolls

Monday, May 29, 2006
11:37 AM

hey, it's me.

i am so going to die and rot in the hell that has been specifically designed for errant teenagers who slack and pon lessons when they really know better than to do that. and the master devil (either jeeva, quek, or victor; i haven't quite decided yet) will point and laugh at me for all eternity. i probably wont be alone, but surrounded by millions other like me, who decided to enjoy their first few days of holidays instead of mugging for that dreaded upcoming exams. as punishment for my sin, i would be made to re-sit for the 'A's again and again and again, for what will probably be the next million years or so.

there's no rest, no break. no reading of fanficton. no watching of csi. no listening to the radio. no nothing. just eternal suffering for having committed such a horrible sin.

and, the worst thing is, i've only got myself to blame for it is i who has condemned myself to this damnation by squandering precious hours that could have been productively spent (by mugging econs, as i had planned).

oh well. see you in hell.

Sunday, May 07, 2006
4:24 PM

hey, it's me.

ahhh!!! it's taking a bloody long time for my comp to load anything up! and it's totally pissing me off!

i'm mad.

i'm not gonna blog cos i'm mad.

blah!

by the way, peng kee won. so yay for him.

Saturday, May 06, 2006
7:11 PM

hey, it's me.

yes, i'm still alive, in case you're wondering. still hanging in there and barely surviving. things have been ... pretty okay. i'm not quite sure how else to explain it. i mean, it's always the usual things hapenning, isn't it? school, council, home and whatever social life that i have. there. i've just summed up my life in the last 3 months that i have been MIA.

we've been doing religion for GP, and lately i've been reading a lot of books on honour killing and stuff like that in the Middle East. sometimes i feel like there are two totally different versions of Islam in the world, like the Islam that is practiced in my region is completely different from the Islam that is practiced in the Middle East. they seem so crazy over there, so religious, but yet, not religious at all.

it's kind of hard to explain, and this may take some time.

this book that i'm reading, Forbidden Love, about a Muslim girl in Jordan falling in love with a Christian man and written by the girl's best friend, who is also Christian, has just totally made me so uncomfortable that i had to put it down and stop reading it for a while. the author has to explain why such a love is forbidden, and to do so, she had to explain the Islamic laws that dictate the lives of people living in the Middle East. i understand why she has to do so, and i do feel like she's trying her best to be as objective and neutral as possible, but there is this tiny little piece of my heart that can help but say that she is bias. as a muslim reading the book, i can tell the facts apart from the fiction, but then, what about those who are not so familiar with my religion? what kind of picture or image of Islam are they going to get from her book?

the author writes: ...Islam's founder (Mohammed) was married to an even younger child, six-year-old Aisha, and consummated the marriage sexually when she was nine. Aisha was only one of Mohhamed's many child brides.... i felt personally affronted when i read this, my whole physical being was screaming in protest. i don't know about you, but it sounded as if she was saying that he was a paedophile. i'm not going to talk for anyone else but myself, and for me, that one thought alone, goes against everything that i have ever been taught, told and believed in. my prophet is a kind, gentle and pure-hearted person, and the thought that there are people somewhere out there in the world who thought him a paedophile scares me. it's just wrong.

there are so many more parts of the book that has made me frown and pause. The Muslim in me feels uncomfortable and wants to stop reading the book altogther, but the rational Singaporean in me is telling me to just focus on the storyline, and not so much on the religious bits. i know that the storyline is a good one, that the book is worth reading, and that is what is getting me past these odd parts. i think i can safely say now that i understand how Christians feel when they read The Da Vinci Code.

and you know what totally bugs me? when people think that in Islam, men are regarded as God and women are worthless. maybe that is what is practiced and taught in some other part of the world, but not in the Islam that i know. i am taught that heaven lies at the bottom of my mother's foot, that God listens to the prayers of mothers and grants them, that a mother's forgiveness is worth more than anything else in the world. the prophet was once asked, "Who is the most important person?" and he replied, "The mother." He was asked again, and again he said "The mother." he said 3 times that mothers are the most important people in the world, and it was only after asked a fourth time did he say "The father.". So, i don't know about the other people out there, but i don't think that my sex is regarded as worthless in the eyes of Islam.

i'm not a very religious person. i wish i was, but at this point, i'm not there yet. there are still so many things that i need to find out the hows and whys to before i can proclaim to be. i don't believe in following my religion blindly, for that would be blind faith and what's the point in that? it is so easy to destroy blind faith cos there is no understanding behind it. i need to know and to undertand, and it would only be after undertanding that i can have full faith. i don't want to know my religion only on a superficial level, i want to go in deeper. people may feel that it is not my position to question some of the things in Islam, but i believe that God gave us brains so that we can think. so, i think. and i question.

my mom worries for me cos she's afraid that i might step out of my boundaries in my questioning, but i know my limits. for all that i question, i am still a Muslim. i believe that there is one God, and i believe in the Prophet Mohammad. My foundation is there (thanks to my ten years in madrasahs), all that is left is for me to find out more. i hope that she understands that.

a couple of random things:

i totally, totally, abosolutely refuse to believe in Darwin's Evolution Theory. i refuse to believe that i come from monkeys or apes or whatever. that's just odd. i would rather believe in Adam and Eve than that apes were my ancestors. and also, the whole big bang thing? i mean, seriously, dude. not just the whole world, but the whole universe having once been just a tiny little ball? can you sense my incredulousness? if really, all that had been squeezed into an itsy-bitsy space, it's no wonder then that everything exploded. haiz...

something else that i've just recently noticed is that most of my friends are either Christians/Catholics or atheists/agnostics. i mean, disregarding the few malay friends i have in school, the rest of my friends do tend to fall in these two categories, not all but most. i don't know wether it has always been this way and i've just taken note of it, or that it's just exceptional to the company i keep. i'm really quite surprised of the number of atheists/agnostics that i know. very interesting...

i know that those two stuff are rather random, but they've been in my mind for some time and i just wanted to get them out. now that they're out, they wont disturb me any longer. hehhe...

...

i do believe that i have exhausted myself on this topic. wooo! this is what GP, too much thinking and not enough blogging does to you - super long entries. but i'm done now. and i promise that i'll talk about council some other day, kay? maybe tmr, when i'm sick of mugging for econs.

till then, 'night! :)

Saturday, January 07, 2006
5:50 PM

hey, it's me.

i'm back reporting after a long, tiring, eventful and fulfilling week. it's amazing how 4 days alone can hold so much emotions for me.

i feel like i should do a wrap-up of everything. of working for 2 months on a single project and then going through the days and the events looking towards the end. like mr toh said, 'begin with an end in mind' and literally for this project, i began it with the end it sight.

sometimes the end seemed so far away, almost unreachable. and sometimes it loomed over us, like a monster just waiting to chew us up. okay, my imagery is all over the place. hehehe...

2 months work and now it's over. just like that, o1 is done and over with. i don't really know what to say. i don't really know what to feel. it's all still a bit surreal to me, you know? like, poof! i can't quite believe that it's over. heh, guess i'm feeling a bit lost without o1 to guide me anymore.

it's been a hell of a journey. ups and downs even before the first day of o1. we almost broke down. we got back together again. we bonded and we grew stronger. it's almost as if we benefitted as much as the j1s, if not more, from this orientation.

council grew stronger as a unit. we worked together. we laughed and we cried and we basically grew mad together. it was the only way that we knew to survive the madness of this project. and we didn't just bond as a council.

before this, we've been getting flak about not being visible enough to our peers, that they dont really know us. and it's true. we don't really know them, they don't really know us. i was apprehensive about meeting the pegasus ogls. apprehensive and a little bit terrified. the house meeting with the leaders and open house didn't exactly assure me about them.

we had expectations about each other, and we failed them.

but the ogl workshop made me feel a lot better. it was as if, i now knew them as people, as my year-mates and not just as 'pegasus house people'. some of them even became my friends over the course of orientation. there was suddenly a face behind the names. they weren't just names on a list, they were people whom i could talk to and even trust.

and i really love the pegasus ogls. seeing their enthusiasm over the 4 days really brought up the house spirit for pegasus. it made me love my house even more. we had ogls coming even though they were sick ,we had ogls not sleeping the whole night through cos they were thinking of a cheer, we had ogls stepping up when they were missing a member. everybody stepped up. and i couldn't have been more proud to say 'yeah, i'm from pegasus!'

hehhe...

i know that i've just been focusing more about the ogls and councillors, but then, i don't really know how the j1s feel. i can just hope that they've enjoyed o1.

like i said, i'll need more time before i can really express everything that i feel about the whole experience. it still feels a little incomplete cos the debriefing has yet to be done. i guess only after we've talked it all out that i can really sort out everything.

but for now, that will be all. goodbye!

pegasus ogls!

28th Student Council

Saturday, December 24, 2005
12:24 AM

hey, it's me.

okay, not to over-react or anything, but SHIT!.

arh!!! that's the only thought that keeps running through my mind and seriously, its the only thing that can really convey the almost-full-blown panick that has set over me.

am i the only person here to have realised that it is now 24th December? which means that there is little over a week left to O1. i don't know if i'm supposed to feel excited or glad that it's finally reaching, but what i really feel is panick.

yep.

i don't think i can emphasize enough to you right now how much in deep shit i am.

where have my holidays gone? i'm not ready for orientation! can't we push it back like a couple more years? my o-pack's not here yet! and i'm freaking worried that it wont be here on time. my skit is in shambles. i feel like i have nothing to be proud of when it comes to that. i actually dread all my rehearsals. i refuse to think about all my costumes and props, which may be the reason as to why i am so panicked now.

shit shit shit shit

my homework is nowhere near the state of completion. econs project? math tutorials? erm...there only thing that i seem to have done is read King Lear. that's something, i guess. not much...but something.

oh god...

time is moving way too fast for me. it's either that or i have spent too much time indulging myself with fanfiction and movies. hmm...that might be it. let me see...sentosa on tuesday. followed by pride and prejudice. and then king kong on thursday.

huh...no wonder i'm broke.

so anyway...i think i'm done panicking now. i'll go to sleep with a resolve to better prioritise my time for the next few days only to wake up and forget all about it.

Saturday, December 17, 2005
3:29 PM

hey, it's me.

i love my mom. :)

i really really do. regardless of how i've felt these past few weeks. and regradless of the lack of time that we seem to have been spending together, i still love her lots and lots.

*grins*

in the short space of 4 hours and without even going out of yishun, my mom and i managaed to spend a grand total of $127 on ourselves. hahaha...it was just us pampering ourselves and buying things that we didn't need.

i got my hair cut and washed and treated. mmm...it was wonderful. my mpm bought a bag. we bought a few clothes. had lunch. sat down at starbucks for a cup of coffee that we didn't need and talked.

we planned how to spend our christmas holiday together. technically, are not celebrating christmas. we are just taking advantage of the holiday to go out, spend some more and eat a lot of food. hahah...

so now, i'm just chock full of endorphins. i'm feeling absolutely delighted. hahaha...mom's gone off to work and i will now start on my lit homework. ahhh! like totally ruining my good mood. but nevermind!